some jokes!!

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, “Look Mama!  It’s a frickin’ Elephant!” Deep breath …  “What did you call it?” “It’s a frickin’ Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!” And so it does …”A-f-r-i-c-a-n Elephant”

An Illinois man left the snowy streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: “Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

“I’ll never find the right guy,” this one girl at a wedding shower said. “Don’t give up,” urged an older woman. “Every pot has a lid.” “Or,” said some other lady behind her ”you could just be a skillet.”

This man who had nine kids was flyin on a buisiness trip and was talkin to his seatmate about families. he heard the other man say “i wish i had nine kids.” “you dont know what you’re talkin about” the man with nine kids warned him. and the other man said “yes i do…i have thirteen kids.”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“No explanation needed!” snapped the Officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
The man tried again. “But Officer, I have to tell you something.”
“Just keep quiet! You’re going to jail and I’m not interested in what you have to say!” the Officer barked.
A few hours later the Officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

 my new voicemail: “I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes